ManMan 1 - Attack of the Mongs
So I'm out going down to the shops for bogroll, because Cockboy used the last roll making a paper mache effigy of Arnold Schwarzenegger's penis and that takes a lot of Andrex, you know what I'm saying? And I was like in the toilet laying the bomb, we are talking Hiroshima baby, and I'm like totally "Whoah, this is huge, I hope there's bogroll or I'm fucked!" and there was no fucking bogroll and just this giant mache cock on top of the towels and I'm like, "Cockboy, you fucking cum gutter, I'll fuck you wild if that's the last of the bogroll," and it totally was because Cockboy is a prick and has no consideration for his fellow housemates. So I wiped my ass on Arnold’s dong and headed down to Tesco for a value pack of roll, and that's when it happened on the high street.
There was this bus right, a big yellow motherfucker that they use to transport fucking school kids and mental patients, a council fucker you know? And it was like totally on its side, upside-down and fucking trashed and it was crawling with mongs. Mongs I tell you, fucking roaching with the mentally deficient, fucking spastics swinging from the wheel arch and getting mong spit all over the place. And I don't know if you can catch mong from mong spit, I mean, is it sexually transmitted, I just don't know, but I was damned if those fuckers were gonna drool all over the high street and let everyone catch stupid, because you know, we were down one bus already because the fucking driver musta got bitten and went retard and crashed the bus into a wall, I'm hypothesizing here because the driver was like smooshed into the cap and there were bits of him all over the place like bus driver jelly mixed with peanut butter, anyway we didn't have a fucking mong bus any more and if we don't have any mong buses we can't have any more mongs or there is no where to keep them or drive them to death camps and stuff, you know, simple mong logistics.
So I'm like, this is a job for Manman, the fucking superhero extraordinaire and commander-in-chief of half the fucking universe, and the universe is a fucking big place like Wal-Mart or a really fucking big carpark that is really fucking empty, you know what I'm saying here? So I dives into the portaloo on the corner, and I was like "fuck me, they don't have any toilet roll either," and at that point I got mad. I ripped off all my clothes, because I wear my superhero costume underneath, and I was like, "Shit man, I forgot my superhero costume, that was fucking retarded," and all my clothes were in ripped ruins on the fucking floor of a Scotloo and now I was naked and I can't save the world with my dick out because people will talk about me like I'm gay or something, which is kinda true because I like dick and all, but just my own dick and definitely not in public. And Cockboy's dick as well. And Arnold Schwarzeneggers, but that is covered in shit now and that's fucking unhygienic, unless it's like my own shit, so I guess that's ok. But not Cockboy's shit and Arnold Schwarzenegger's shit if fucking right out, you get the drift there?
So I'm like, I'm stuck in a portaloo in the middle of Blair naked and surrounded by the living tards, who might have been Zombies now I think about it, I wasn't sure, but if they ever get round to publishing the Manman comic then I guess they could be zombies. So I use my Manpowers to send a telepathic distress signal to Cockboy, like "Dude, bring my Manpants to Tesco," and he was like, "Fuck you Manman, I'm fucking busy with Aids here I'll come down when I'm not fucking dieing of pneumonia cumbag," and I was like "You fucking get down here now you sack of runny shit and Vorderman ovulations or I'll kick your ass and force feed you a bag of catshit and give you fucking toxoplasmosis and then you'll be really fucked you aids junky faggot scum," and he never answered to that so I assumed that he was maybe dead, so I had to get out by myself.
I was just getting ready with the master plan, that if I used my super speed I could go fast enough so no one could see my nakedness, run home and get my pants when the fucking mongs started attacking the portable toilet! The fucking thing was rocking back and forth, and I was like "Get the fuck off me you mongs!" and the mongs were like "Duuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrr!" and then the fuckers tipped the toilet and rolled me down the fucking hill, which is like a big fucking hill, you know, it's like mini-Everest except not coated in snow or dipshit climbers.
So I'm inside this big rolling bog, and I'm like, "Noooooooo!" and it's like a shit washing machine in there on spin cycle, my clothes and me and about thirty turds and antiseptic blue shit are all rolling about getting filthy and dizzy and the Mongs are all screaming like mentally retarded howler monkeys, and we are talking mong by monkey standards here, not human mongs we are talking monkey mongs and monkeys are pretty monged up to begin with and howler monkeys would be in special ed at monkey school, you know what I'm saying, and the fuckers rolling and rolling and shitty and it's a Limp Bizkit song, because that fucking shitbag Durst obviously based his song on my hero adventures with a stolen time machine or some shit because Fred Durst is a complete homogay faggot piece of three week old fishpiss and sulphur, get me?
The bog rolled down at high speed and into the Old Folk's home at the bottom of the road, and if there is one thing I hate more than Mongs it's fucking Old People, the fucking cunts, and I'm in the residence living room and I burst out of my bog and there is this bunch of old fuckers with knitting and stuff all staring at me, so I screams "WHY DON'Y YOU FUCKING DIE YOU FUCKING EVIL BASTARD COFFIN DODGING OLD FLACID COCKS AND LOOSE FANNYS?" and blew two of them away with my laser fingers, which made me feel a bit better. I fucking took off through the hole in the wall and flew back up the hill and started battering the mongs. I used my X-ray eyes to give them all cancer and after all their dicks fell off and picked up the mongol bus and dropped it on their fat retarded heads. I did this until all that was left was mongol moosh then I set fire to their paste just to be sure that the fuckers were really dead.
After that I got my twelve pack of toilet roll and some new clothes from Tesco, got home and shoved all twelve rolls up Cockboy's arse, including the fucking cardboard tube and now he's a fucking toilet roll dispenser with no head because I beat him fucking stupid.
And that's how I saved Blair from the Invasion of the Mongs.
Back to the Writing page, heathen